Forgiveness

A short argument between Psalm 13, Matthew 18:21-35 and Me

Matthew, Eighteen. How often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times? Matthew, Twenty. Sinned against me. And I, I forgive him? Forgive.

Forgive, forgive, forgive, I forgive.

But, how long Oh Lord will there be bitterness with in me?

How long Oh Lord, will you forget me forever?

How Long must I daily come before you and ask for the strength to be forgiving? Seven Times? Seventy times seven times? No, no please, before that. Release me from my unforgivingness. My bitterness. I’m not strong enough. I can’t wait that long, can’t cry that long, can’t be confused that long.

How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long, how long, how long? How long before I actually feel your peace, before my unhappiness is healed? How long shall I be angry, and unable to maintain my resolve to be loving?

How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Why can’t I forgive from my heart? Why does the hurt of the past consume me? The past, yes. Over a year ago. She called him to say she was pregnant. Why tell you? I don’t know. But you did know. She knew that you would care. Even if the baby wasn’t yours. But he is yours. And look, look at his eyes, that are beautiful and clear and sparkling, just like yours. And filled with joy, like yours can be too. And on his face is joy. So why must I give way to anger.

Consider and answer me Oh Lord My God; lift up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed”.

Lest I forget you and let myself be broken from the inside out.

Lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

I am. Shaken. My hand. Wouldn’t stop shaking. In the café. I put the cup to my lips but it just trembled in my fingers, against my teeth. Didn’t want to drink it. And you sat there with your head hung low and you wouldn’t look at me, and I was confused. Angry, but at me, because I made a resolve, to forgive.

To forgive, forgive, forgive. Seventy times seven times. All day. Every day. Lest I be delivered to the jailors. Lest there be torment in my soul. But I have forgiven. And I have trusted. I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me.