On Sunday I found myself thinking how wonderful it was to have the space of so many years between me and the melodramatic self absorbed things I had written; thinking how liberating it was to have a bit of a laugh at my teenage self. I then picked the poems for this week in advance. I figured that as I was pulling out poems of angst there was no need to try and match them to each day.
So I find it a bit disturbing that the poem chosen for today should so aptly describe how I'm feeling. It makes me a bit afraid that either hanging out with my teenage self is a bad idea, or I'm still a melodramatic self and absorbed girl who really needs to get over herself. Perhaps in addition to having a laugh at who I was, I need to have a laugh at who I am.
Negativity, 5th November 2001, (4 days shy of my 19th birthday)
I do not love
This shell I live in
It has won me
Nothing.
I do not love
The way it works
Because it often
Doesn’t.
I do not want
To see the image
Before me in the
Mirror.
I can no longer stand
To weigh myself
On this safe, secure
Greyscale.
And I do not want
To blend into the
Landscape so full of
Colour.
I do not have
The courage to be
All I really
should be.
All I have
I do not love,
This empty
Negativity.
Each day (now, at least) I check Reflections & Fragments to see the newly uploaded piece and to read it. But a curious thing happens, today especially; I seem to feel – see – myself in the poems and while I know it is impossible for you to know things like that about me, I take a small glimmer of comfort in knowing that how I am feeling now is how some of my friends have felt recently (and/or not-so-recently) and somehow that makes things seem less bad, if you get my drift. (your 'Hollow' and 'Negativity' poems are, i think, my favourites, or the ones i can most see myself in.)
ReplyDeleteIn short, I guess the point of this is to say thank you for writing the pieces and for making me take stock about who and what and where I am at the moment and what I’m feeling.
Thanks Glenn :)
ReplyDelete